Just got this email. I am not entire sure that the FBI is using AOL these days.
From: ROBERT S. MUELLER III, FBI DIRECTOR Subject: FINAL WARNING: YOU WILL BE ARRESTED AND JAILED IF YOU FAIL TO READ THE ATTACHED E-MAIL AND COMPLY
Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division FBI Headquarters In Washington, D.C. Federal Bureau Of Investigation J. Edgar Hoover Building 935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001
This is the final warning you are going to receive from me, do you get me? I hope you understand how many times this message has been sent to you.
We have warned you so many times and you have decided to ignore our e-mails or because you believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested and today if you fail to respond back to us with the payment details below, then we would first send a letter to the MAYOR of the city where you reside and direct them to close your bank account until you have been jailed and all your properties will be confiscated by the FBI, CIA and other enforcement agency. We would also send a letter to the company/agency that you are working for so that they could get you fired until we are through with our investigations because a suspect is not supposed to be working for the government or any private organization.
Your ID which we have in our database have been sent to all the crimes agencies in America for them to inset you in their website as an internet fraudsters and to warn people from having any deals with you. This would have been solved all this while if you had gotten the CERTIFICATE ENDORSED AND STAMPED as you were instructed in the e-mail below. This is the federal bureau of investigation (FBI) am writing in response to the e-mail you sent to us and am using this medium to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have been given a mandate. As stated earlier to have the document endorsed, signed and stamped without failure and you must adhere to this directives to avoid you blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested and jailed you for life and all your properties will be seized and bank account will be confiscated too.
You failed to comply with our directives/instruction and that was the reason why we didn't hear from you, as our director has already been notified about you get the process completed yesterday and right now the WARRANT OF ARREST has been signed against you and it will be carried out in the next 48hours as strictly signed by the FBI director. We have investigated and found out that you didn't have any idea when the fraudulent deal was committed with your information's/identity and right now your ID is placed on our website as a wanted person, I believe you know that it will be a shame to you and your entire family because after then it will be announce in all the local channels that you are wanted by the FBI.
As a good Christian and a Honest man, I decided to see how i could be of help to you because i would not be happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties confiscated all because your information's was used to carry out a fraudulent transactions, i called the EFCC and they directed me to a private attorney who can help you get the process done and he stated that he will endorse and stamp the document at the sum of $98 usd only and i believe this process is cheaper for you.
You need to do every possible thing today and tomorrow to get this process done because our director has called to inform me that the warrant of arrest has been signed against you and once it has been approved, then the arrest will be carried out, and from our investigations we learnt that you were the person that forwarded your identity to one impostor/fraudsters in Nigeria when he had a deal with you about the transfer of some illegal funds into your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10,500,000.00 only.
I pleaded on your behalf so that this agency could give you till July 6, 2012 so that you can get this process done because i learnt that several e-mails has been sent to you without getting a response from you. Bear it in mind that this is the only way that i can be able to help you at this moment or you would have to face the law and its consequences once it had befallen on you. You would make the payment through western union money transfer with the below details.
NAME: DURU VINCE
ADDRESS: LAGOS, NIGERIA
TEXT QUESTION: BETTER
Senders Full Name:
Sender Full Address:
Direct Phone Number:
Send the payment details to me as stated above and make sure that you didn't hesitate making the payment down to the agency by today so that they could have the certificate endorsed, signed and stamped immediately without any further delay. After all this process has been carried out, then we would have to proceed to the bank for the transfer of your compensation funds which is valued at the sum of $10.500,000.00 usd which was supposed to have been transferred to you all this while.
Note: All the crimes agencies have been contacted on this regards and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard this instructions. You are given a grace today to make the payment for the document after which your failure to do that will attract a maximum arrest and finally you will be appearing in court for act of terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking charges, so be warned not to try anything funny because you are been watched.
Expecting your anticipated- Co-operation.
Yours in service,
Robert S. Mueller FBI DIRECTOR
I think they guy deserves a reply, don't you think?
A quick look at my forthcoming book "I Am Not Mad", in which I have managed to secure the services of none other than Kim Jong-Il himself for the foreword. Celebrity Forewords don't come much bigger than that.
Celebrity Foreword - Kim Jong-Il
Greetings, fellow workers! As Dear Leader of the towering Juche-inspired powerhouse that is the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, it has befallen upon me to offer a few paragraphs of On-The-Spot guidance to you, the reader of this fine book.
It is therefore my pleasure to thoroughly recommend this tome to the million-man worker-soldier cadres of the great North Korean Fatherland, their chests puffed out like a human bomb, redoubling their efforts for the greater glory of sacred Mount Paektu, singing "Our hearts explode with joy as we reap the harvests sown by Kim Il-Sung!"
The proud workers of this land, fighting to destroy the Southern warmonger lackey clique, and to humiliate the US puppet aggressors and their nefarious schemes, shall all be issued with a copy of this edition, which they will be permitted to read in the ten minutes they are afforded between the end of their shift at the Arirang No.1 Uranium Processing Plant For The Peaceful Use of Energy, and the mandatory rendition of "Let Us Trim Our Hair in Accordance with the Socialist Lifestyle", the highlight of any evening's viewing on Korean Central Television.
This endorsement comes with the approval of Young General and Excellent Comrade Kim Jong-Un, who has assured me of the Juche-inspired, anti-imperialist credentials of his fine website, which made him (and I quote) "LOL until I soiled myself", before returning to supervise important tests at the Mangyongdae Eternal President Kim Il-Sung Memorial No.14 Meat Pie Concern. I heartily endorse the Excellent Comrade's opinion.
It is traditional on these occasions, to offer the reader either a humorous story or some advice gleaned from one's work inspiring the patriotic cadres of the Korean Workers Party to ever larger giant steps towards self-sufficiency, striking fear in the heart of the bestial Yankee aggressors in the eternal fight against the traitor capitalist lackeys, chanting "Let us defend with our lives the everlasting patriotic revolution headed by Great Comrade Kim Jong Il and his son the Excellent Comrade Kim Jong Un!" with tears of joy rolling down their cheeks.
However, I shall do none of these things. Instead, I shall take this opportunity to offer you, dear reader, the chance to own a fine, fully-guaranteed heirloom product in the shape of a 300-foot statue of brave Australian songbird Kylie Minogue, constructed from only the finest North Korean Uranium enrichment by-products at the Arirang No.1 Uranium Processing Plant For The Peaceful Use of Energy (300-foot Kylie Minogue Subdivision). Be the talk of your neighbourhood as you stand between those fine Antipodean legs, proudly holding your certificate of authenticity, personally signed by one of my fine worker-soldier cadres. Only five million US dollars. Cut a dictator a break. I need the cash.
I am not mad.
Kim Jong-Il, People's Revolutionary Military-First Secret Bunker, Castletown, Portland
"Qu'est-ce que c'est cette 'ecoutez et repetez' bollocks?"
Bonjour et welcome to M Le Canard Effrayant's explanation de la phrase "ecoutez et repetez".
Any child qui has learned la langue Francais has almost certainment been exposee a la package qui s'appelle "Longman's Audio Visual French".
Cette package de learning was utilisee en schools Anglais pour le teach of la langue Francais, and comprised d'un book tres boring featuring un homme called Yves Mornet and some other crapauds Francais.
Tous les lessons were on les cassettes audios, et les teachers could put on un tape and go off pour un crafty cigarette.
Every nouvelle French phrase was introduced with les words "Ecoutez et Repetez" (Listen and repeat), which were, by the end of three years, the only French words we knew.
A particularly skilled pupil was able to dit les mots "Ecoutez et Rrrrrrepetez" comme un complete French crapaud, and could possibly pass themselves off on les Champs Elysees, provided these were les only mots spoken.
Ten - no - Eleven rock-hard facts about our least favourite comedy racists (may contain untruths).
They're the new driving force in British politics! They're the political party of choice of the nation's hordes of mouth-breathing imbeciles easily swayed by empty promises, pictures of Winston Churchill before he became a dog and a hatred of anything remotely foreign they can blame for their own pathetic, empty lives.
But did you know...?
10. The BNP's first act in power would be to force the reds at the Bolshevik Broadcasting Corporation to air a 24 hour Jim Davidson channel
9. The BNP's second act in power would be to impose a 1,000,000 per cent tax on all Indian, Chinese, Nepali, Greek, Turkish, French, Italian, Caribbean and anything remotely foreign restaurants. The following BRITISH foods will be exempt from tax: Pie, Lard, McDonalds, Burger King
8. One-eyed Party leader Nick Griffin recently auditioned for Britain's Got Talent with his Ku Klux Kitten juggling act, but was booed off the stage and beaten up in the wings enraged Hairy Angel Of All Our Hearts Susan Boyle
7. Although he now denies it, BNP leader Nick Griffin once went on a booze cruise to France and said he "quite liked it"
6. Songs chosen for Radio 4's Desert Island Discs by Nick Griffin include Harlem Shuffle, There's No One Quite Like Grandma, and Josef Goebbel's version of White Christmas. In the meantime, Radio 4 listeners have raised the £5,000 necessary to transport the BNP Leader to an actual Desert Island and leave him there
5. Article 34 of the BNP Constitution clearly states: "All buttocks must be oiled and ready for inspection by party officials". When notified of this clause by a national newspaper, the BNP Press Office blamed "a spell-check error in Microsoft Word", despite the constitution being written on the back of an Indian takeaway menu in crayon
4. After an accident in a tanning salon, BNP member Charlie "Bulldog" Popodopolous was forced to beat himself up and expel himself from the party
3. In a recently-filmed edition of TV's Most Haunted, genuine psychic Derek Acorah managed to channel the spirit of poor, dead BNP icon Winston Churchill. The great man's message for the nation as we reach a crossroads for the democratic process? "Tell that Nick Griffin he's a cunt"
2. The BNP's claim that "Britain is full" and should close its borders has been shown up as a sham, after it emerged that leader Nick Griffin has a spare bedroom that nobody uses
1. Much has been made of monocular BNP chief Nick Griffin's meeting with Ku Klux Klan chief David Duke. We are happy to confirm there was no racist motive involved in the get-together - Griffin was simply hoping to get cousin Daisy Duke's autograph and/or phone number
Bonus FACT: Study of the recently-leaked BNP membership list reveals that it is almost identical to the copy of the subscriber list of Goat Frotter's Monthly found tied to a recently frotted goat.
The Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellence - 2008 list
Behold! After much tinkering, this year's Scaryduckworth-Lewis Method of Rating Things for Excellent is upon us. No change in the top three, but there's very little you can do with that sort of manky perfection.
0. A shaven-headed Britney Spears in a roll neck sweater 1. Lightly-oiled Ann Noreen Widdecombe experimenting in the Acts of Sappho 2. Margaret Thatcher leather whip “happy finish” massage 3. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, a riding crop and a bucket of beef dripping 4. Judy Finnegan squatting over a glass table, squeezing out a portion of nutty slack 5. Vanessa Feltz in a negligee, selling herself to a leather-clad Pat Butcher 6. Amy Winehouse sucking on a tramp's gusset for her next fix
7. Victoria Beckham in a bikini, lapping at the very gates of skeletal Kate Moss in an OK! Magazine exclusive 8. Delia Smith smeared in mashed potato in the team bath as a Norwich City win bonus 9. A wild-eyed and frothing Heather Mills using her wooden leg to facilitate the pleasure of Myleene Klass. 10. Konnie Huq in a bath of beans, whilst Zoe Salmon scrubs her back with a french stick 11. Susie Dent in shiny black rubber mini-dress, looking up swears in the dictionary while Carol Vorderman rubs herself against a bollard for "one easy, monthly payment." 12. Felicity Kendall wrapped in an old fishing net, with Penelope Keith talking dirty in the background 13. Fiona Bruce describing exactly what she would do to you if you left your back door unlocked
14. Kate Winslet mostly keeping her clothes on, a present from a shameless Holly Willoughby 15. Emma Thomspon on a street corner and wrapped in clingfilm asking for "business" 16. An entirely legal Emma Watson exploring the joys of the Golden Snitch 17. Kate Humble in a wet T-shirt competition 18. Billie Piper riding a space-hopper down a cobbled street 19. Nigella Lawson whipping up a creamy sauce with her tongue before demonstrating a novel use for the Kenwood Chef 20. Sarah Beeny wrestling Kirstie Allsopp in a paddling pool filled with baby oil